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Tips to Stop Divorce  / Tips to Save Marriage
7 Dumb Things to Do About Your
Sexless Marriage
From Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, Licensed
Marriage and Family Therapist
Let me say right off the bat that people who are stuck in a sexless marriage are, in fact, often “dumb” to the
issues involved. When I think about the computers I use in my business and all the dumb things I have done with them at times, I just shake my
head. I’ve lost files, screwed up hardware installations, gone through a dozen printers, and gotten stuck more times than I can remember… almost
all of it because I am “dumb” when it comes to computers. Fortunately, I have a son who can bail me out! It isn’t that I am dumb, for I certainly
am not. But I am dumb when it comes to computer technology.
Sometimes people who are stuck in a sexless marriage are stuck because they are dumb when it comes to the
intricacies of sexuality and the expression of love through sexuality. It isn’t that those who are stuck are dumb, but it is that they are dumb
when it comes to sexuality. It’s for that group of “dumb” folks that I have written this list.
First Dumb Thing to Do
You’ve heard it said that the definition
of “crazy” is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. If what you are doing is crazy, then you better stop. I’m
fond of telling myself, and others, that if what you are doing isn’t working – try something else! Living systems survive because they are able
to adapt, to change to the circumstances in which they find themselves in such a way that they are always better off. If what you are doing
together sexually has you stuck, then adapt and do something else. It’s crazy to keep doing something that doesn’t work.
Second Dumb Thing to Do
However, it is really dumb to just do
nothing! Lots of people give up – not because they are screwed up people – but because they simply don’t know what else to do. If your paradigm
is “I can’t” or “she won’t” or “he won’t” then you have to think outside of that paradigm. It is dumb to do nothing when you can get smart about
having great sex.
Third Dumb Thing to Do
It’s dumb to not consider all the physical
problems that could be getting in the way. Think of an ordinary garden hose for a moment. If you pick up the end of the hose and point it at some
flowers in the garden, and squeeze the nozzle while pointing… and nothing comes out, what do you do? You don’t stand there pointing and squeezing
all day, do you? You don’t put the nozzle down and come back to it day after day, week after week, pointing and squeezing to no avail, do you?
No, you adapt! You turn around and check to see if you have taken the time to turn the water on, and then you check to see if you have a kink in
the hose, and then you check to see if the nozzle is working properly – that’s what you do. If you want to be turned on and to enjoy something a
little kinky you must consider the physical problems that either of you might be having. If it isn’t flowing, it is dumb not to consider the
physical problems that might be in the way.
I want to also include in here the issue of technique. Let me make this one summary statement:
• Since 40% of women don’t have an orgasm through intercourse
• And 75% of men ejaculate within 2 minutes of initiating intercourse
• And after 21 minutes of good clitoral stimulation 92% of women have an orgasm consistently
• Then men and women need to learn how to have great “Outercourse” rather than intercourse, by which I mean the focus should be on the Vulva not
the vagina, and the primary sexual tools should be tongue, fingers, and hands… as well as heart and mind.
It is dumb to not understand the physiology of sexual pleasure, to use the wrong tools for the job.
Fourth Dumb Thing to Do
If your relationship is in trouble, your sexuality might be a casualty. It is very hard to make love with someone you don’t get along with, or
like.
• If your transactions drop below a 3-to-5 ratio, good-to-bad, then your relationship is really in trouble.
• If your self-esteem is not enhanced by your relationship then you are in trouble.
• If your sense of belonging isn’t enhance… not a good sign.
• If you don’t feel loved,
• Or if you feel like a failure with your partner in one way or another,
• Or if you are bored to tears with each other,
• Or if you feel controlled and dominated by your partner, or if your partner feels controlled and dominated by you…
It all can result in a loss of sexual desire. It is dumb to make love with someone you don’t like, and it is dumb to avoid the issues behind your
loss of sexual desire.
Fifth Dumb Thing to Do
Guilt and shame kill libido, and guilt and
shame are used by tribes to keep them members in line. Your culture might have helped you to get stuck.
• It is dumb to not confront and get beyond the guilt and shame that your culture has placed on sexuality, sensuality, and sexual behavior in
general. If you are limited because of the messages that you have received about sex being “dirty,” or the messages you have received about being
“manly” or “womanly”… or whatever… then confront the facts, uncover the truth, and give it all your own meaning. It is all natural. Maybe it is
more natural for some people than for others, but it is all natural as long as it doesn’t do violence to anyone.
• It is also dumb to not write your own definitions of “right” and “wrong” when it comes to sexual behavior between the two of you. It is so very
important to be able to experience novelty in your sexuality, and if you write off something as “wrong” then you are cutting yourself off from
potential novelty. You look at what your tribe of people defines as right and wrong, and then the two of you decide for yourselves what works for
you.
Books & Aids to Save Your Marriage
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