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Infidelity: How “My Marriage Made Me Do It” is a
Cop-out
by Dr. Robert Huizenga,
The Infidelity Coach
Ask someone why they had, or are having an
affair and you may hear something like this: “I have a
lousy marriage. My marriage is dead. There is no
intimacy, no sex, and no excitement. The love is gone.
We’ve grown apart. I can’t stand the marriage. There was
nothing happening in the marriage and the affair just
happened.”
These statements are rationalizations and fail
to “get at” the underlying issues.
Key points:
1. It’s as if a marriage is an animal gone bad.
A marriage does not have a life of it’s own. In reality,
there is no such thing as a “marriage.” One is “married”
as a result of making some promises and signing a paper
at one point. After the paper is signed, two people
continue communicating and acting toward one another in
particular ways that they hope will help them get what
they individually want. Just as there is no “marriage,”
there is no such thing as a “relationship.” There are,
however, ways of relating for which each person is
responsible. Remember the comedian Flip Wilson (that
dates me) and his “The devil made me do it”
skit?
2. We idealize “marriage” or “romantic
relationships” with the expectation we will get what we
want, without much effort to boot. The movies, popular
public press and romance novels/stories don’t help much
here. A “marriage” is behind the eight ball from the word
go. “IT” can’t win.
3. From day one most of us don’t have a clue
about how to get, build, nurture and maintain healthy and
intimate ways of relating. We need ‘love 101’ and it’s
not there. We rely upon experimentation or bad
models.
4. If the “marriage” is dead, why in the world
would one choose to have an affair? Talk about jumping
from the frying pan into the fire. It really is stupid.
You add a whole layer of deceit and shame that eventually
will result in consequences more dire than approaching
your spouse and saying, “I’m really unhappy. What I’m
doing with you obviously is not working. I want out.” Oh
well, maybe some people need more problems and
suffering.
5. If the “marriage” is bad, obviously, I don’t
have to look at me. I can blame “it” or the other. Some
of us find it difficult to look at me. Some of us don’t
know how to look at me. Some of us never think of looking
at me.
Tip: If your partner/spouse is having and affair
and blames it on the “marriage,” don’t buy into it. The
“marriage” is not the problem. You are not the problem.
Your spouse/partner chose the affair out of ignorance,
fear or inadequacy.
The “My Marriage Made Me Do It” is just one of 7
affairs outlined in my E-book, “Break Free From the
Affair.” For more information on the issues behind the
other kinds of affairs and tips for dealing with them, go
to: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
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Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infedelity Coach, has
helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal
from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive
infidelity.
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