The Loss of Libido During Times of

Grief and Sorrow
By Dr. Andrew D Atwood

The sad moments of life can suck the energy right out of your playfulness. Is it a mild depression that sets in during times of such sorrow? Is it something of an obsession to be turning your attention to concerns for your parent’s basic care? Is it normal for your eros, for your passionate desire, to be focused not on making love with your partner but on doing anything you can to bring peace to your parent’s demented soul? Is it understandable that your attention is given more to the management of your parent’s finances than to how often you have profoundly intimate sex? Yes, Yes, Yes, and Yes.

Three years ago my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. A year later the diagnosis was changed to Parkinson’s. Two years into the slide my wife and I helped Mom and Dad to move out of the family home and into a retirement community. That was twelve months ago. Five months ago Dad had a stroke and entered the hospital for three days. Mom, now 81 began living alone for the first time in 59 years. Dad was transferred to the locked unit of a nursing home ten miles from Mom. Both of them were a thousand miles from me.

In the last five months Dad gradually disappeared… until he died. I lead the family in the decision to pull all his medications six days earlier.

During the last five months my wife and I made love fewer times that did we fly home to visit with Mom and Dad. We just couldn’t get into it. In fact, there was a lot we couldn’t get into.

But, it’s okay. Really. I’ve been saying to myself, and others, that “The wholeness of life has some holes.” There is a hole in my heart that will heal in time. I’ve grieved before, and I’ve been grieving a lot lately (Dad’s death was for us the sixth separate loss in the last 10 months, including my wife’s mother, brother, aunt, and two uncles). There is a normal healing process built into us and it will prevail.

Yes, passion will return and we will, once again, be making love as often as our hearts desire! I’m not worried about it. For now, I am simply observing the holes, feeling their emptiness, and allowing the love of everyone around me to fill my life. And, I am filling the holes in their hearts as much as I can. It is all a normal part of life.