Are more couples trying to survive affairs these days?

People are more willing to work through them. People are saying, I'm willing to work this through, but we have to solve whatever problems we have; we have to get something out of this; our marriage has to be even better than it was before.

More men are calling to come in for therapy That's a very positive sign. The downside is. it's often too late. By the time men are alarmed, the woman is too distanced from the marriage.

What other changes do you see in affairs these days?

Cyber affairs are new. For some people the computer is very addictive. They get very caught up in it. It's hiding out, escaping. And an affair is an escape from the realities of everyday life. These two escapes are now paired.

The other danger on-line is that people can disguise who they are. Think of the roles you can take on if you hide behind a screen. More so than in workplace affairs, you can project anything onto the other person.

You can act out any fantasy you want. You can make this other person become anybody you want them to be. There's a loosening up, because you're not face-to-face with the person.

This attracts only a certain kind of person, doesn't it?

We don't know yet. I always get e-mail questions from people who are concerned because their partner is having an on-line relationship with somebody Or their partner had an affair with somebody they met on-line. It's very prevalent, and it's very dangerous.

If you're talking to somebody on the computer, and you begin to talk about your sexual fantasies, and you're not talking to your partner about your sexual fantasies, which relationship now has more sexual chemistry? Which has more emotional intimacy? Then your partner walks in the room, and you switch screens. Now you've got a wall of secrecy. It has all the components of an affair. And it's easy

Technology has impacted affairs in another way, too. Many people have discovered a partner's affair by getting the cellular phone bill, or by getting in the car and pushing redial on the car phone, or by taking their partner's beeper and seeing who's been calling. We're leaving a whole new electronic trail.

Has that changed the dynamics or the psychology of affairs in any way?

In the past, when someone was suspicious they could ask their partner: "What's going on? You seem distant lately." If the partner denied anything was wrong, there wasn't a whole lot a person could do. Now there's tangible evidence people can utilize to find out if their hunches are indeed true.

There is a public conception of affairs as glamorous, but the aftermath is pretty messy How do we square these views?

They're both true. In those captured moments, there is passion and romance. We're in Stage One of relationship formation--idealizing the partner. This Stage One can go on for years, as long as there's a forbidden aspect.

The admiration and positive mirroring can go on for a long time--until you get to a reality-based relationship. And this is why so many affairs end after the person leaves the marriage.

How many affairs survive as enduring relationships?

Only 10% of people who leave their relationship for affairs end up with the affair partner. Once you can be with the person every day and deal with all the little irritations in a relationship, you're into Stage Two disillusionment.

How do most affairs get exposed?

Sometimes the betrayed partner will just ask, "Are you involved with somebody else?" Sometimes the affair partner, when it's a woman, does something to inform the wife she sends a letter or even shows up on the doorstep. She asks, "Do you know where your husband's been?" Her motivation is not to be helpful but to break up the marriage. But often she's the one who then gets left out.

Sometimes people find out in horrible ways. They read about it in the newspaper, or they get a sexually transmitted disease. Or the cell phone bill arrives. Or their partner gets arrested--if there is a sexual addiction, the partner may be caught with prostitutes. Sometimes, somebody is suspicious and checks it out by going to the hotel room to see whether their partner's alone, or by hiring detectives.

Disclaimer: The material presented on these pages if for your information only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. It may not represent your true individual medical situation. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting a qualified health care provider in person. Please consult your health care provider in person if you have any questions or concerns. Always use common sense and research your own personal situation thoroughly.

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