What I REALLY Want to Say to That @#$&!!

In my coaching I often ask someone, "What do you REALLY want to say to him/her?" Often the tenor of the words runs in one of two paths: "I want to rip you to shreds for what you did!" or said sweetly, "I love you and let's work on the relationship." And, of course, it's often a combination of the two - bouncing back and forth, first from one direction and then another.

But these are surface, reactive, scared, and angry words. We try to get underneath those words to what REALLY wants and perhaps needs to be stated. That's where your freedom and power begins to emerge!

Below is an example from Stephanie who struggles with "My Marriage Made Me Do It" kind of affair. She tries to persuade him to not give up on the marriage. She attempts to pull conversation and intimacy from him. She apologizes and defends her past actions.

Here's what Stephanie says she wants to say to him:

First of all, I want you to listen because you're not listening to me, to your family or to God. It feels like you've turned your back on all of us. It feels as though you're being incredibly selfish and that you have no idea of how you will fracture the lives of your children, of me, and of your family.

I hear you blaming me over and over again for 11 years of hurt and hardship, but you don't see that I too suffered during that time and that we were both wallowing in the darkness of depression. I've done something about this for myself, but you won't recognize it and take any action. You are like Hamlet just sitting on his ass and waiting for a sign while his life turns to hell all around him.

You say that for 11 years you communicated your despair to me, but we were in the midst of so much life-stress -- of surviving financially and raising our children and holding down such difficult and demanding jobs.

We were so far away from our families and we completely isolated ourselves from friends and family, so much so that your only friendship turned into a love affair.

I can't believe the hurt I feel that you betrayed me and your family in this way. Can you not hear our cries of pain at what you've done to us? I'm so sorry that I didn't hear your cries before now.

Now I want to make things right and I am doing all that I can to be healed and to be the whole person that God meant for me to be. But you will not accept this change and this love that I offer to you. I now offer you the emotional intimacy that you say was missing but you just push it away.

This is so hypocritical and it makes me wonder whether you ever wanted it in the first place or whether you're even capable of the kind of emotional intimacy you so desire. What are you doing? Do you not see yourself and the terrible suffering you're causing to you, to your family who loves you so much? You -- who pride yourself on your sensitivity -- have now become one of the most hardened people I've ever known.

Don't do this. Don't throw your life, and the lives of your children into never-ending turmoil. Don't destroy us. I love you with all that I am and as I learn to love myself, I love you more.

I will not take the easy road out. I will endure as much suffering as you throw my way, even if it takes another decade to get through it. I will not hurt my children by getting a divorce because I know that there is the possibility of healing if we commit to it. But this choice is now yours.

I can do nothing else but just be here to love you and care for you every day. My life is in transition and I'm learning a new way of enjoying this world and all that's been given to me. I will not squander this. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Below is my interpretation of what Stephanie REALLY wants to say to him. Notice the skills I model: focus on Stephanie and not him, have Stephanie state her position in a clear unequivocal way and have Stephanie make comments about the relationship, not him.

I know, I know, easier said than done! But hey, we all start somewhere. And, it is a journey. We can always learn to say something with more clarity, depth, richness and power!! This enables us to get what we REALLY want.

I will tear apart her above statement. Her statement will be in bold, mine in plain text.

Here we go.

Stephanie: First of all, I want you to listen because you're not listening to me, to your family or to God.

Bob: (what she REALLY wants to say) I need to be heard and acknowledged. I need my pain and confusion to be acknowledged. This is a very difficult time for me, to say the least. I need you to hear that. That's all I mean by "listen." When I say, "listen" to me, I don't mean do what I say or want. I don't want your listening to me to feel like a trap for you. I sense sometimes that you think that way. Perhaps my intensity frightens you and you want to back away. It frightens me sometimes.

Stephanie: It feels like you've turned your back on all of us.

Bob: I feel so removed from you. Our relationship seems so different, like the rules have changed. I watch you carefully and I'm not sure who you are right now. Perhaps you are not sure either, and I guess I'm not so sure who I am as well.

Stephanie: It feels as though you're being incredibly selfish and that you have no idea of how you will fracture the lives of your children, of me, and of your family.

Bob: I'm concerned about our children. I'm concerned about what will happen to them, to me, to you, to the two of us. I wonder if you care as deeply as I do. I'm sure you do, but I don't see it sometimes and that scares me.

Stephanie: I hear you blaming me over and over again for 11 years of hurt and hardship, but you don't see that I too suffered during that time and that we were both wallowing in the darkness of depression.

Bob: I'm tired of the attacking, blaming, defending…the vicious cycle which seems to trap us. We don't seem to connect, especially when the pain is intense. We go round in circles. I'm very fragile right now and I hear words of blame very easily. Perhaps I too look back and doubt myself - I could've, should've done so many things differently. It seems as if we really were unable to be there for each other and break through the wall that separated, and still separates us.

Stephanie: I've done something about this for myself, but you won't recognize it and take any action. You are like Hamlet just sitting on his ass and waiting for a sign while his life turns to hell all around him.

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