Bob: I would hope we could walk through this side by side somehow. I feel so vulnerable sometimes. I wish someone strong and decisive could take me by the hand. At the same time, I know this is a journey I must take and face on my own. No one can do it for me. This is a test and challenge for me. I have to do something, and I am. I am determined to survive and more than survive, use this as an opportunity to grow. I truly hope you can do the same.

Stephanie: You say that for 11 years you communicated your despair to me, but we were in the midst of so much life-stress -- of surviving financially and raising our children and holding down such difficult and demanding jobs. We were so far away from our families and we completely isolated ourselves from friends and family, so much so that your only friendship turned into a love affair.

Bob: As I look back, I felt so terribly overwhelmed and responsible, like I had to hold it all together, in the midst of some huge challenges. I gave so much energy to that. Maybe I heard you, maybe not. I'm not sure. Maybe I heard part of it. Maybe I didn't take the time to listen. Maybe I don't know how. Maybe other things seemed more important to me. I suppose I needed your words to be stronger or clearer. That says just as much about me as you.

Stephanie: I can't believe the hurt I feel that you betrayed me and your family in this way. Can you not hear our cries of pain at what you've done to us?

Bob: I can't think of anything else that would hurt more right now. The thought of you being with someone else stirs up feelings and thoughts that are incredibly powerful. They won't go away. I try to control them. I try to move on. I never thought it would feel and be this powerful. I feel so rejected, so unwanted, so unworthy. How do I deal with all this? I will. I know I will. But I'm not sure how, some days.

Stephanie: I'm so sorry that I didn't hear your cries before now. Now I want to make things right and I am doing all that I can to be healed and to be the whole person that God meant for me to be.

Bob: I look back and kick myself. I remember times when I could have said or done something that would have responded to you differently. This is a huge wake-up call for me. I'm really questioning what's important and how I respond to the cries of others. I am determined to use this experience to be a better person, whatever that might look like.

Stephanie: But you will not accept this change and this love that I offer to you. I now offer you the emotional intimacy that you say was missing but you just push it away.

Bob: It seems like the roles have changed. You once pursued and I backed away. Now the shoe is on the other foot. How does this happen? Do you see this? I wonder if you want me to feel how you used to feel? Put together you backing away when I want to be close and the thoughts of rejection when I think of you and the other person, and it's not a pretty picture for me.

Stephanie: This is so hypocritical and it makes me wonder whether you ever wanted it in the first place or whether you're even capable of the kind of emotional intimacy you so desire. What are you doing?

Bob: Do you supposed both of us where scared to death of being vulnerable and truly intimate with each other? We just handled it differently?

Stephanie: Do you not see yourself and the terrible suffering you're causing to you, to your family who loves you so much? You -- who pride yourself on your sensitivity -- have now become one of the most hardened people I've ever known. Don't do this. Don't throw your life, and the lives of your children into never-ending turmoil. Don't destroy us.

Bob: I care about you. I love you. I want the best for you, whatever that might be. I want this to end. I want this to end for you, for me and for the children and family. I get so frustrated. Why does it have to be so hard? I don't understand. I don't want this to destroy you. Or me. Or the family.

Stephanie: I love you with all that I am and as I learn to love myself, I love you more. I will not take the easy road out. I will endure as much suffering as you throw my way, even if it takes another decade to get through it.

Bob: I will make it. I am persistent. I don't give up. I will hang in there. I'm not a person to cave in easily. Never have. Never will. You will not get rid of me easily.

Stephanie: I will not hurt my children by getting a divorce because I know that there is the possibility of healing if we commit to it. But this choice is now yours. I can do nothing else but just be here to love you and care for you every day.

Bob: I will continue to love you and show that love in ways that honors you and your struggle. It will not be a smothering love, but a love that grows each day in its ability to care about those deepest parts of you that you struggle with. It will be love that honors all the parts of you. A love that sees beneath the surface of all that is happening and tries to be aware of what you truly desire.

Stephanie: My life is in transition and I'm learning a new way of enjoying this world and all that's been given to me. I will not squander this. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Bob: I am attempting to love myself in the same ways. I am attempting to peel all away that was bound by fear and uncover the real me who has a great capacity to love and enjoy life.

Do you get a "feel" for different flow and emphasis? It can make a dramatic difference in how you feel and think about yourself and you most likely will see different responses from your partner.

A word of caution: These set of skills work best with these kinds of affairs: My Marriage Made Me Do It, I Want to Get Back at Him/Her, I Need to Prove my Desirability and I Want to Be Close to Someone…which means I can't stand intimacy.

Different strategies are called for with these kinds of affairs: I Can't Say No, I Don't Want to Say No, and I Fell Out of Love…and just love being in love.

Disclaimer: The material presented on these pages if for your information only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. It may not represent your true individual medical situation. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting a qualified health care provider in person. Please consult your health care provider in person if you have any questions or concerns. Always use common sense and research your own personal situation thoroughly.

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